Today was a busy one ... filled with numerous conflicting emotions for whatever reason or another. Not all good at all. I felt myself slipping into some old negative thought patterns and I didn't like it. I can appreciate that I was aware of it though. I can appreciate that I wanted to improve those emotions as well. I know this is a process and I absolutely know that 365 days is not a cakewalk. I have had some easy days so far. I have had some days where I had to work at it. Today I really needed it hunker down and look at what tools I had to use.
I tried to turn the negative to positive and I listened to affirmations CDs. That was helpful but it wasn't a cure all. I am grateful I have them to listen to. It does make a difference even if it wasn't a panacea. It was more of a crutch and today it was a fairly sturdy crutch when I needed it. I am grateful for it, as I said.
This blog and my commitment to it (publicly) has created an awareness that would not otherwise be there. That is priceless. Thank you to the ones who are keeping me accountable! I probably would have skipped today completely! Not a nice realization, if you think about it. However, that is the point of making yourself accountable. Accepting my own humanness and knowing I will need assistance at some point.
In past times, I can honestly say I would be stuck in a negative rut. Over and over. Now I have this project, to write about something positive every day and to find something every day to write about that is positive. This isn't a space for venting and finding sympathy. I have committed to a journey of positivity. That is special, and today is is an effort. It has actually been work. I don't know if I did a very good job either. In fact, I think I may have failed.
I'm chewing on a quote I heard ... mentally of course ... it said that whether you take offense or defense you are still building a "fence". That nearly gave me a brain cramp. It made me think. Not a bad thing ... Typically we put the blame for bad thoughts or actions on someone else, for our "reality", on someone else.
This quote made me really think ...When you look into yourself and accept 100% responsibility for your emotions and actions that trapdoor or escape hatch of blame just isn't there. 100% responsibility means ... well ... 100% ownership for how you feel, where you are at, why you are there and what it took to get there. There is no blame! If it is a good mood, you get the credit. If it is a negative mood, you get the credit. That is pretty black and white, isn't it?
My thoughts are ... whether I criticize or find fault or defend myself against someone finding fault with me, either way I am building a fence ... An excuse? Whatever a fence is a metaphor for ... I don't want that. I want to accept 100% responsibility for how I feel. What I do. Where I am at. Right now. Even, as hard as it may be, 100% responsibility for all my relationships. Good, bad, indifferent.
No one else is to "blame". I chose my path. I made my own choices. I am where I am because of my own actions and beliefs. I may not be concretely sure of how to go forward but I have a feeling that if I accept ownership of where I happen to be at, that I will certainly figure out how I need to move forward.
Aware and considering ...
You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of.